Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Rejuvenate...in the face of fear


This past two months have been crazy here...and I haven't had the ambition to blog much at all...My time has been spent wallowing over a constant pain that navigates from my forehead, to my eye, and back to the top of my head. Strange sensation to say the least. Then the throbbing started, and now I am convinced it has migrated to my inner ear and sinus. The constant nature drove me crazy and back....yeah, I am sure I went there. After being pumped full of pharma happy drugs to ease the pain, it still is there. What a downer aeh? I could have spent days laying in bed, in a vegetative state..it was down right depressing after the 4th straight week. By week 6 I had enough...I had to shake myself alive, pain or not, and get a grip on my life and health. Pep talk. It did a world of good. "Julie, you are okay. Heal. Breathe out pain and breathe in peace." over and over I internalized that I could overcome this. Erasing all the pathetic self talk I had subjected myself to for the past month. It was just the encouragement that I was needing. Sometimes, I find, I look for that healing from outside sources...and don't get it, feel sorry for myself, and as a result, wallow in self pity. Turning that around, and allowing myself to self soothe & believing in myself I pulled myself off the couch and declared that this was not going to get me down for another day. Yes. So I cleaned the house that day. The next day I spring cleaned our master bedroom, Then I painted...therapeutic paint, the next I braided my hair, and day after day, refuse to back down. Yes, the pain is still there. But you won't see me in a defeated state blabbering over tears in my Dr.'s office ever again. 

I am convinced that a cause for this headache, "Trigeminal Neuralgia", CAN be found..but my Dr. either has no patience to seek it, or is content stuffing my body with anti-seizure meds and muscle relaxants for and extended period of time. No. I cannot accept that. 
Health and healing...something is wrong. And my body is saying so, loud and clearly.

I am reminded, through this process, how strong I am..how I can pull myself up and out of the muck to a place of happiness even against the odds. I have the utmost respect for those who suffer chronic and life threatening illnesses. So easy it can be to become overwhelmed and throw in the towel. And much harder to come back up and out of that murky water. 

Yes, I pat myself on the back for that. And it is good. It is self care.